I took this picture a couple weeks ago, and thought it ‘fit’ the way I feel right now quite well. Interpret as you will ….
My God! It’s been almost two months since my last blog post! Time sure flies when you’re having fun, doesn’t it? Though, I can honestly say that many of the things that have happened in the last month or two would not be considered ‘fun’ by most people.
I’ve had my mind pulled in multiple directions. I cannot seem to focus as of late and it’s frustrating as hell! I’ve always been an easy-going person, but find that my fuse is getting shorter and shorter as I deal with the day to day happenings and the people that I am, under normal circumstances, patient with. I find myself daydreaming about slapping the people that annoy me and telling them to STFU.
Okay, I lied a little.
My mind doesn’t work in simple slaps and STFU’s. I’ve actually envisioned a more gruesome end for each of the people that seem to be trying to hold me back from meeting the goals I’ve set for myself. I’ve envisioned somehow gaining supernatural powers and tearing them limb from limb with just a hard thought; or carving my name into their quivering flesh with a dull blade. What can I say? I’m a freakin’ horror writer! Rest assured many of these people WILL be written into something I’m working on in the future; some already have been. Oh how I love cathartic writing! Vengeance is mine! MWAHAHAHAHA!!
It’s as if I am stuck in a vortex, being spun round and round. All I really want to do is move on and I feel as if I am being held back. I am the first to say, ‘life is what you make of it.’ But it seems as if the harder I try to move forward the harder I am kicked back. It’s hard not to get discouraged. I am doing all I can right now, but it doesn’t ‘feel’ like I am because of the snail’s pace I am being forced to match.
For example, I figured that instead of paying the obscene amount of money I am required to pay toward rent (among other things) per month, I’d do just as well by becoming a homeowner. Always practical, I wanted to get qualified first and make sure that I could secure the amount of money I’d need to buy a home.
Of course, the mortgage broker told me what I wanted to hear. “There shouldn’t be any problems at all in securing a loan.” I figured there wouldn’t be any problems either; especially since I know what I can and can’t afford. But, there was a ‘hitch.’ My name is still on my ex’s mortgage. So, the mortgage broker couldn’t qualify me … yet. But she told me, “Start looking now. As soon as you have the decree in hand we’ll qualify you right away.”
I know she had to have some idea that she wouldn’t be able to qualify me while my name remained on my ex’s mortgage. So why make me go through the motions? I cannot even begin to express how sick and tired I am of people providing me with their lip service. As a good friend of mine has recently stated, “Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” Say what you mean, and mean what you say. I know I won’t feed you any lines; so, please return the favor!
Another thing, why do people have to rehash things that have been decided upon or resolved days, weeks, or months ago? I could really do without the repetitive play by play. Make up your goddamn mind!!
Okay, that was random, sorry about that 😦
I’ve been a nurse for 7 years, and before that, a nursing assistant for another 4 years all at the same facility. There are a few things in my life that I know that I am really good at; being a nurse is one of them. In the eleven years that I’ve worked at this particular facility, I have never been disciplined for anything. A couple weeks ago, I was pulled aside by my boss and given a written warning for something I did. The written warning will remain on my work record for three years. Apparently the person that reported me told my boss that they felt like they couldn’t approach me with their concern because of what was going on in my ‘personal life’ and they didn’t want to ‘stress’ me out.
Okay, I’m old school in this matter. Since when does your personal life have anything to do with your professional life? In any healthcare profession, in any profession for that matter, it’s beyond smart not to allow your personal and professional lives to mingle. So, in saying that, I always try to leave my personal life at the door.
Of course, being that I often spend more time with the people I work with than my own family, I’ve made a few really good friends at work. I even I hang out with some of them outside of the job, and it’s nice to let off a little steam every once in a while. I’ve always left my work at the door when I get home- if I didn’t, I’d go insane with some of the things I’ve seen and dealt with.
It probably doesn’t help that I’ve been in the Army and believe in using the chain of command. If I were concerned about something that someone was doing on the job, I’d go to them first to allow them to change their behavior. Then, if nothing changed, I’d go to the boss. If things still didn’t change, I’d go to the boss again, and disciplinary action would be taken.
Instead of talking to me personally (which should have been the first step) and allowing me to change my behavior, this person went above my head to my boss (second step). So, when my boss pulled me aside, I was completely blindsided- I had no idea anyone was concerned. Furthermore, my boss went to human resources, instead of pulling me aside and giving me a verbal warning. It’s all little overkill for a first infraction, right? At least I thought so. Ironically, the infraction was about internet usage and involved viewing my ‘OBSCENE BLOG’ on work computers. *rolls eyes*
Alright, what made this person think that speaking to my boss was the lesser evil? What made them think that going to the boss wouldn’t affect my personal life? In effect, by going to the boss, this person is fucking with my livelihood. They are, in fact,fucking with my personal life. Now I have some real trust issues when it comes to the job that I’ve held for 11 years. Who wouldn’t?
Yeah, I’m SO not impressed.
You all know that I won’t give up. I’ll get past this point in my life. Things just aren’t moving at the pace I want them to be. I have to wait a whole month until my divorce is final. This just means that I have to wait a whole month to get out of my current living situation. In other words, I have to live with another person’s rules and that makes me ‘feel’ like I can’t be my own person. Not many people would put up with the bullshit I have to put up with on a day to day basis. I’ve just gotten to the point where I smile and nod when someone is talking at me about their issues; while really, in my mind I’m screaming and yanking handfuls of hair out of my head.
I’ll tell ya, when it rains, it pours ….
While writing is normally the BEST escape for me, I haven’t been able to write as much as I’d like. I’ve been stuck in editing mode. Unlike many of my author friends, I have a hard time moving to another project when one is so close to coming to fruition. I have a ton of short stories and the beginning of a new novel sitting in my flash drive just begging for me to work on them.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to a little rest and relaxation. I welcome the chance to get out from under all the legalese I’ve been reading as of late. I’d welcome some great fiction right about now; because the real life trials and tribulations are really getting under my skin- as I’m sure you can tell. My two week vacation starts today (8th) and ends on the 22nd. I figured I should use a bit of the three hundred hours of vacation that I’ve acquired over the years 😛 . I am hoping to finish my final edit, query letter, synopsis, and send my finished manuscript to a few publishers during my vacation.
I really didn’t want this blog post to turn into a rant; especially since there are many things that I am thankful for. Among the many things: my two beautiful children, my supportive family members, the great friends that have stood by me through thick and thin, the roof over my head, my job, writing, music, my readers, and my goal-oriented mind.
It seems that I really needed a download. I’ll try to blog more often. Thanks for reading!
~J. Marie
I thought this video and song were quite fitting. After all, I do have quite a bit of rage brewing behind these blue eyes, and really, “I Can’t Afford to Care.”
J. Marie Ravenshaw 