Holy Crap! It’s been WAY too long since I’ve posted! Hell, it’s been WAY too long since I’ve written anything of substance at all. Life happens, we all know that. Well, it’s time to remedy that. This isn’t going to be a large post, but it’s something. I plan to post more regularly. It’s been so long that I think I need to find my voice again. Here goes nothing …
I’m warming up my long dormant fingers and calling forth all the pent-up pain. Long has it been since I’ve come to you, friend, and times like this is when I need you most. You’re my personal therapy. You’ve no idea how much I’ve missed you in all my times of need.
Keeping everything inside has long left my brain fried, trying to make sense of all the things I tried to hide. Never once did I lie. But, cry, oh how I’ve cried! It seems as if it were my only outlet at the time. Making time for anyone, or anything, was near impossible. I was forced to live in my mind most of the time. Drowning in the near abyss, trudging through the endless blackened puddles.
I have, once again, been forced to become the phoenix. I will survive and rise from the ashes with you by my side. My ever present companion. There is no reason to hide anymore. I’ve got to dredge through the memories and find ‘me’ once again.
It will be painful. I’ve not deluded myself in that aspect. Not at all. I can look at this whole situation as something that will define me, or I can look at it as a life lesson. I choose the latter.
Time to, once again, pick up the pieces of my broken heart and move on. Though I know that not every piece will be found and that I’ll be missing an integral piece for a time, I hope, that eventually, I’ll be able to move on or even find a substitute for what has gone missing. I’ve just got to take the time I need to find it. I know that my muscle has been weakened, but it does have a memory. Tactile memory, in this instance, because I never want to feel this way again. I never want to be used in the way I ultimately allowed myself to be used.
No one defines me. I choose my path and I’m taking back the control that I gave to someone that obviously didn’t deserve it. I can no longer be weak. I can no longer be the sacrificial lamb.
When I love someone, my whole heart belongs to them and I’ll not make the decision to give it away again until I’m good and ready to do so. I will have a hard time trusting that weakened muscle to another living soul. The only two people I trust my heart to, are my babies. They are the most deserving of my love, my trust … all of me.
I’m trying to trust humanity, but how can I trust if all I’ve seen is those that live to take and not give back as well? It’s safe to say that I’ve been drained, damaged, somewhat broken, and now I need to take the time to fill back up and repair the damage that has been done.
I need to gain my confidence back. I need to work on me.
It’s not simply choosing to move on, it’s how you choose to move on that defines you. I choose to become strength personified. I choose to gain back my confidence and just. be. me.
No one said it’d be easy. But when has something worth doing ever been easy.
I happily take on the challenge and prepare to move on with you by my side. My personal therapy. One of the many things that will help me gain my voice and confidence back. I look forward to it.
To those that don’t believe that I can come back from this, watch me! What’s happened in my life has only added fuel to my fire and given me more fodder for my craft. Let’s just say that it’s been quite an interesting character study. To those that know and love me, please know that your words never fell upon deaf ears (I know it felt that way more often than not). I want to say ‘thank you’ for your much-needed love and support. To all my sprinting buddies, strap in for the ride! I’m diving deep within on this one; throwing all of me into it.
“Remember, your personal demons should be afraid of you, because you are their home, their food, and as you heal, their executioner.” ~Laurell K. Hamilton
Well, Demons, the executioner is coming. Be afraid, be very afraid.
I’m back bitches!!
*sinister grin* Now, it’s time to write!