Father forgive me, for I have sinned. It’s been a while since I last blogged. Please know, that it is not my intention to ‘air my dirty laundry’ in this blog post. It’s just a means of ‘letting go.’ We all crave catharsis … right? I know I do …
My life has been literally turned upside down within the last few weeks. Just before Mother’s Day, I asked my husband of nine years for a divorce. I’d been sitting on the decision for the last two years. I was thinking of everyone else; not of myself or my happiness.
This split is NOT a bad thing. It’s a new beginning. As a matter of fact, when I walked away from our relationship, a weight was immediately lifted off my shoulders. Life is too short to sit in an unhappy relationship making the people you love as miserable as you are. I truly believe that this change will make life better for everyone involved. Honestly, it already has.
I know I need to let go of the need to be loved by all and accept that some people will still think I stink. The reality of life is that whatever I decide about forging ahead in a different way that is more focused on the person I see myself as, some people won’t be prepared to see me in a different or more forgiving light.
Yet, it’s important to forget about what everyone else thinks because I CANNOT please everyone. I mean, how can you please anyone if you can’t please yourself? And while I might not want to disappoint the people close to me, they should WANT me to be happy. As long as I continue to exist to fulfill other people’s ideas of who I should be, I’ll never know my true talents. This was aptly summed up by Raymond Hull who once said: “He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”
I had become a husk of my former self, and withdrew from close friends and family.
Quite simply, I fell out of love, not only with my husband, but, with myself. I figure it’s high time to reacquaint myself with … myself. I have no room in my life for feeling not ‘good enough’. I refuse. ‘Cause I know that I am good enough! I just need to learn to love myself again.
I regret nothing and hold no ‘ill will’ toward my husband. He is, and always will be, a HUGE part of my life. After all, he is the father of my two beautiful children, and we’re still friends. We live and we learn. And for that I am thankful. I now know what I want … what I need. It’s time for me to move on. It’s time to for me to focus on the most important things in my life: my children, my family, my happiness, and my health.
I wrote the following poem in September 2011. Foreshadow much?
A Brand New Day
You lie to me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
You cry to me, you tell me things I do not want to hear.
You smile for me, a curl of lip that is only meant for me.
You open my eyes and make me see, it just wasn’t meant to be.
I am not pathetic enough to plead.
I don’t ever let my heart bleed.
I will not shed a tear for you.
I know now that we’re through.
The wound you opened is temporary.
It will close, I will write my own story.
A growing log of broken dreams,
it’s not as dreary as it seems.
Life goes on, come what may.
I’m just grateful for a brand new day.
I know that the best is yet to come 
To NEW BEGINNINGS! A brand new day!
Until next time …
~J. Marie
I feel the strength and the courage in your words here, Jill. Many people can go through this kind of situation and be angry and bitter. By your words you demonstrate that you have chosen a more positive, life-affirming direction, and I am happy for you. All the best as you move forward with this new direction in your life.