Father forgive me, for I have sinned. It’s been a while since I last blogged. Please know, that it is not my intention to ‘air my dirty laundry’ in this blog post. It’s just a means of ‘letting go.’ We all crave catharsis … right? I know I do …
My life has been literally turned upside down within the last few weeks. Just before Mother’s Day, I asked my husband of nine years for a divorce. I’d been sitting on the decision for the last two years. I was thinking of everyone else; not of myself or my happiness.
This split is NOT a bad thing. It’s a new beginning. As a matter of fact, when I walked away from our relationship, a weight was immediately lifted off my shoulders. Life is too short to sit in an unhappy relationship making the people you love as miserable as you are. I truly believe that this change will make life better for everyone involved. Honestly, it already has.
I know I need to let go of the need to be loved by all and accept that some people will still think I stink. The reality of life is that whatever I decide about forging ahead in a different way that is more focused on the person I see myself as, some people won’t be prepared to see me in a different or more forgiving light.
Yet, it’s important to forget about what everyone else thinks because I CANNOT please everyone. I mean, how can you please anyone if you can’t please yourself? And while I might not want to disappoint the people close to me, they should WANT me to be happy. As long as I continue to exist to fulfill other people’s ideas of who I should be, I’ll never know my true talents. This was aptly summed up by Raymond Hull who once said: “He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”
I had become a husk of my former self, and withdrew from close friends and family.
Quite simply, I fell out of love, not only with my husband, but, with myself. I figure it’s high time to reacquaint myself with … myself. I have no room in my life for feeling not ‘good enough’. I refuse. ‘Cause I know that I am good enough! I just need to learn to love myself again.
I regret nothing and hold no ‘ill will’ toward my husband. He is, and always will be, a HUGE part of my life. After all, he is the father of my two beautiful children, and we’re still friends. We live and we learn. And for that I am thankful. I now know what I want … what I need. It’s time for me to move on. It’s time to for me to focus on the most important things in my life: my children, my family, my happiness, and my health.
I wrote the following poem in September 2011. Foreshadow much?
A Brand New Day
You lie to me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
You cry to me, you tell me things I do not want to hear.
You smile for me, a curl of lip that is only meant for me.
You open my eyes and make me see, it just wasn’t meant to be.
I am not pathetic enough to plead.
I don’t ever let my heart bleed.
I will not shed a tear for you.
I know now that we’re through.
The wound you opened is temporary.
It will close, I will write my own story.
A growing log of broken dreams,
it’s not as dreary as it seems.
Life goes on, come what may.
I’m just grateful for a brand new day.
I know that the best is yet to come
To NEW BEGINNINGS! A brand new day!
Until next time …